Everyone wants to know why she is not having babies, but it’s complicated!

There are apparent questions every woman must encounter in a lifetime. If you are my age, they will be thrown from every corner.

  1. When are you going to have children?
  2. Why don’t you want to have children?
  3. Why don’t you want to have a second/third child?

The audacity, the level of intrusion, the sense of entitlement is irksome! You may ask: Why is it wrong? Here is why.

Think about the woman who is childfree by choice. One who has decided to intentionally delay that stage or not even get there at all.  What if she is simply happy with a cat, thanks to the post-modernism pervading our society?

Think about the woman who chokes with a fake smile every time she has to explain why she still hasn’t experienced the kicking of the little feet in the tummy.  The woman who shows up at every baby shower and sits up to listen to the whining “mum-to-be” about how accidental the pregnancy was. Think about her who is at the verge of giving up, whose hope is hanging by a piece of a thread – or is frozen up in a tube – because the pressure is suffocating.

Think about the woman who still has not learnt to pronounce what the doctor called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Think about the woman who has been battling endometriosis silently. One who has braved a series of surgeries and still hopes that God is going to show His face; that she too shall experience the “pata pata” of the feet. Her that wishes for just something to adorn her scars.

Think about the woman who has had to deal with several miscarriages. One who still has to correct people when they mistakenly call her “mama so” because the last time they saw her, the belly was full. One that has come to understand the words “it happened again” way too well. One whose belly heats any time she knows that she is expecting a likely loss. The woman who has borne the pain of a still-birth. The woman who lost her baby even before it could mumble “mama”. One who has had to destroy the nursery and is still figuring out what to do with the baby stuff.

What should she do with the baby stuff?

Think about the woman who was elated to miss her p’s and even before she could behold the two pink strands the rupture happened; her whose to-be-baby missed the path and scarred her tubes. Think about her whose fears have all been confirmed by Dr. Google.

Before she could behold the two pink strands the rupture happened.

Think about the woman whose womb has been invaded by the predatory fibroids. One that has been told to move with speed since the biological clock is ticking too fast and, worse still, who may have to lose her womanhood to the stubborn growths.

Think about the woman who was able to have her first baby but attempts for the second one have been in resounding futility. One who is keeping all the baby stuff and yearning to use them for the second and third time. She has waited for years to feel the wails and the chuckles again. This time she is too ready.

Think about the woman who has painfully known that men too have their fair share of challenges. The woman who has held her man’s arms and clothed his vulnerable ego with insurmountable grace; the woman who understands terms like: low sperm count, azoospermia and oligospermia too well.

Think about the woman who has spent to her last coin. Swallowed all the supplements and paid for several IUIs and has learnt to live with a negative result. One who has taken a leap of faith and paid for the painfully pricey IVF procedure and has watched money worth a piece of land go down the drain.

Think about her who has braved a series of surgeries silently.

Think about the woman whose relationships seem to hit the rock bottom even before they take off. The woman who is tired of waiting for the right man to father her child. The wait seems long and unending and the floods of anxiety have come as the clock is ticking way too fast.

If your mouth is itching to ask a friend, a couple, a colleague or a relative why they are still not having children or when it will happen, you may be well meaning. But think. Think again, for your words may be a piercing sword to their wounded souls.

In another life, it could be you. It could happen to her. To anyone. The royal Megan Markle recently spoke about her miscarriage. “Losing a child means carrying an almost unbearable grief, experienced by many but talked about by few… Despite the staggering commonality of this pain, the conversation remains taboo, riddled  with unwarranted shame.”

Thank you for reading. I am always looking forward to your feedback and I am greatly indebted to you for the immense feedback I got on the previous post.

Published by Karimi Writes

The blog is about celebrating life in it's rawest sense. A place to share the joys, the pains and our little, painful uncomfortable experiences. Basically, a place to pour out.

24 thoughts on “Everyone wants to know why she is not having babies, but it’s complicated!

  1. These are very sensitive questions. Even chatting about children, sijui my son is like this and my daughter like that is also a very sensitive topic. In general, talking about children in company of people I may not be familiar with their background has become like a taboo to me. I also deliberately do not ask such questions. Wisdom dictates that I should shut my mouth….
    Otherwise keep doing what you do dear.

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    1. @Lawrenzia thanks for being sensitive to people around you. Thanks for acknowledging not everyone has a beautiful story on matters children. And thanks for taking your time to go through my thoughts on the blog.

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    2. They also judge where one rushed to getting paged and giving birth at those ages they think one is still not yet ready for such… I think people should be thinned by theirs…. But anyway who am I to stop their hustle if talking about it brings food on their table…

      My point is, everyone has their own way of living life… We all have highs and lows… But we thrive through it…

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      1. @Liz you are raising a very fundamental concern. That our society is highly judgemental. People shut their eyes to so many eventualities. Most of which are somewhat beyond someone’s control.

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  2. Good read. There is one topic people have always evaded. Baby shower. Personally am against it. Not because I am a villager to the perfection, but because it doesn’t count. Many times (and even my own sister did this) people count their blessings before it arrives, only for the bad news to get. (infant passes on days after birth or mother miscarry. And that is my contention with itit.
    It is God who gives and when one start a celebration on a ‘success’ or an achievement that is yet to be, then it gives the impression that we joy ride on the mercy that God is showing.

    Thanks.

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    1. @Jack thank you so much. Your feedback is much appreciated. On baby showers, it’s a topic we can ponder. While the decision to have it or not to is majorly personal, we may want to look at its shortcomings vis-a-vis its gains.

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  3. Thanks for asking these questions…I wish people would be sensitive enough. I have relatives who have gone through so much. It’s always the grace

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  4. Well summarised ✨.Also,The thought that the society expects women to bare kids in the wake of “one month” after wedding is saddening.I’ve seen women get so much insults from their in-laws😭.True, people ought to be sensitive.It’s a personal journey. 🤍

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  5. An enlightening article dear,,most of the people doesn’t understand anything pertaining the child birth and all the misery that surrounding it..as long as you are a woman they thinks that your life should flow the same..but I wish they know how breaking and irritating they questions and concerns are..thank you so much for sending lights

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Others even go ahead to suggest how many and which sex of babies you should have…get a boy and a girl ufunge chapter…the audacity! This is a great piece boo.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Think twice before you say a word i wish people would know the deepness of this statement people be asking too many questions about why you not having children and commenting about it’s getting late for you .. it’s so sensitive this should be personal and private since the questions strikes our hearts as women and we get to remember dull thoughts about our marriage life …Great Article @Karimi thanks for talking it out for us

    Liked by 2 people

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